Thankful Tuesdays: Hooray for my brain

Would you believe I almost forgot again that it’s Tuesday?  Luckily, I didn’t.  It may have something to do with the fact that my brain wasn’t distracted by work as it usually is, because my VPN is down so I can’t work.

And that’s what I’m going to be thankful for today.

No, not that the VPN is down and working is impossible (although I am also thankful for that as it means I get to write this post in one sitting instead of stretching it out across coffee and lunch breaks), but that I work via VPN in general.

That is, I get to work from home.

I sometimes feel like I’m cheating.  I have so many good things in life, and I almost feel guilty that I haven’t had to endure more hardship than I have to get where I am.  Which is really stupid, because I was a victim of child abuse, and I do battle with the Beast of Depression.  But those things aside, I’ve really got it good.

I work from home.  When I moved to Buffalo three years ago from California I got to bring my job with me.  It’s phenomenal.  I’m anti-social anyway, so not having to go into an office suits me to a tee.  I’m also lazy, so not having to change out of my jammies is a total win.  And now that I’m a mom, getting to spend so much more time with G than I would if I worked outside the home is awesome.

Can I make you even more disgusted?  M works from home, too.  We have lunch together almost every day.  I get to steal kisses while on break.  And he gets to see G as much as I do!

We did hire a nanny for weekday business hours, her name is K.  She’s awesome.  When G is hungry K IM’s me (I’m on the third floor, she and G hang out on the 1st) and I pop down and nurse him.

Now, this arrangement isn’t as good as getting to be a stay-at-home mom.  I never thought I’d want to be a SAHM, but when I had to go back to work after maternity leave my heart broke.  But… in the real world we financially just can’t do that.  I have to work.  But if I have to work, then this is the closest thing I can get to SAHMomage.  I don’t have to worry about pumping milk at work and storing and all that stuff.  I can just latch G on, even if I’m on a con call (thank god for mute buttons).  I don’t have to worry about if my nanny is doing something crazy to my kid.  First of all, because I hired someone awesome (with amazing references and a background check).  Secondly, because I’m here all the time and so is M so we always have the opportunity to pop downstairs and get the lay of the land.

Do you see where I’m going with this?  I’m damn lucky.  I mean, I know that M and I have both worked very hard over the years to get where we are now professionally, financially, and emotionally… but we were lucky in that we got some great opportunities to take advantage of.

I’m grateful that I seem to have been born with my brain wired to do the job that I do.  It means I get paid well in a niche where job security is high, and not too many people do what I do.

I’m grateful that my grandfather was an amazing man who, among many other things, was a computer geek before they even existed, and who taught me at age 5 to program in basic to handicap horses.  He also taught me how to write by being my editor during high school.  Any school assignment that involved writing went under the point of  his red pencil first, and I’d like to think that part of any writing success I have is due in part to him.

I’m grateful that my mother, father, grandmother and nana instilled a love of music in me.  If it weren’t for that, which also developed into a love for dance, I wouldn’t have met M, or have G in my life.

So.  To sum up.  My life is actually really awesome.  It’s not perfect.  But it’s damn fine.

And I feel like I cheat every day as I enjoy what this life has given me.  As if, somehow, I would only deserve happiness or a good life if I had climbed Everest to get it.

I think it’s also fear.  Fear that things this good can’t last.  That the other shoe will drop, and it will be horrible.

Yeah, that’s the Beast of Depression speaking. 😉

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say that I deserve all the good things in my life.

But I am so incredibly thankful for them.